Mindset is Everything
Success can come quickly when we focus our attention on what truly matters. Too often we look for quick solutions which result in only temporary fixes. Success, in all matters, comes when we focus on our mindset, beliefs, and values.

An Affinity for Quick Fixes

We live in a world today that wants microwave quick results. We want things cheaper, faster, and/or easier. While there's nothing particularly wrong with that, an end-result of this demand is that we get conditioned to treat symptoms rather than solve the root problem. 

Look at the pharmaceutical industry. How many drugs SOLVE the problem?

Very few.

Pills treat symptoms

Most treat the symptoms. Have a headache? Take Bayer, Excedren, Advil, Tylenol, etc. Do they take care of what caused the problem, or just help blood flow easier, relieving headache pain? Blood pressure medications treat the symptom but don't resolve the high blood pressure. The same goes for cholesterol and other medications.

This bombardment of constant symptom relief conditions us to continue wanting more of the same.

It becomes a RADICAL idea to offer a real solution to a problem. What's even more radical is to suggest that such solutions are not done with a pill, secret, magic words, or hidden discovery. To suggest that a solution takes months is often considered outrageous. 

Most treatments that fix a symptom are tools or mechanics. What treats the root problem, giving long-lasting results, is how we think of the solution, or mindset.

in all matters is
80% mindset
20% mechanics!

This is especially true with marriage.

Below, I'm going to look at three common marriage issues. Tell me in the comment section below if you disagree or have something you'd like to share.


Your partner comes home with the groceries you asked for. You discover an item on your list was not purchased. You make a comment about it and your partner hears the comment as an attack. The partner becomes defensive and starts to attack you back. That's how the fight started.

Sound familiar?

Any time we hear something that sounds like an attack, we put ourselves naturally into a fight or flight mode. When we fight back it can come across as sounding defensive.

Defensiveness is a major issue that erodes the quality of a marriage quickly.

Defensiveness is our perception. It's all mindset. It's how we perceive words or actions from another person. Often, we get defensive when we feel a loss of one or more of our 13 Personal Needs. Coaching can help partners look at common situations differently and avoid defensive behavior. 


A husband watches porn. The wife is emotionally in pain. The marriage is in shambles. He's tried to quit several times using various common techniques, but can't. He gets urges and triggers that compel him to watch porn and masturbate to pictures of other women.

It serves no purpose to label the husband as a lifetime addict. Porn filters, a mechanic, helps but can't compete against the brain chemicals that alter his thinking and behaviors.

The answer lies in how he thinks about porn. Right now porn serves him by feeding a need he may not even know he has. He needs to become aware of his 13 personal needs, his innate desire to serve a higher purpose, and the conflicts within himself and his true identity.

This is all mindsets. He needs to condition his mind to reject porn before urges and triggers reach conscious thought. This is what I do as a trained marriage coach. If this is new to you, I recommend that you download my special report about the facts regarding porn and how to quit, saving the marriage.

Money Issues

There are many ways money causes marital issues. Often, one partner is frugal and the other partner is a spender. You may be thinking that since money is tangible that it is solved with simple math, not a mindset change.

Consider what made one partner frugal and the other partner a spender. Each partner learned about money from who they grew up with, typically the parents. They may adopt similar beliefs about money, or take a contrarian view.

In either case, the views about money were learned. They are a belief. They are tied to values.

The frugal partner may have experienced poverty growing up and saves everything so the feelings of poverty are not experienced again. The spending partner may have grown up with luxury, or uses money to satisfy one or more of the 13 personal needs.

How we handle money is based on our internal values and beliefs. They are not locked in. They can be changed with new conditioning. They can be changed with coaching.

Coaching Offers Long-Term Solutions

If you want real solutions to the issues in your marriage, I urge you to consider coaching. I coach couples how to create the marriage they desire by helping them discover and resolve the root cause of the problems. 

The solutions are 80% mindset and 20% mechanics. 

Start today by scheduling a FREE 45-minute Strategy Session Q&A Call.

About the author

Mark Jala is a certified marriage coach, researcher, and consumer advocate. Certified in Strategic Interventions, Mark bases all of his services and advice on verifiable research. With nearly 40 years of problem solving experience, Mark has developed a holistic approach to marriage coaching which provides a context and execution plan not seen in ordinary marriage services.

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}

Subscribe to My FREE Newsletter

HMC does not sell, rent, or share any provided information. We value your privacy. 
Your information is safe.