week 1 - Lesson 1

In the business world, it is well known that successful companies do things differently than unsuccessful companies.

The same is true of marriages.

Happily married couples do things differently from unhappy couples because they think differently. Your thoughts dictate your actions.

Think Differently

At the core of your thoughts and actions are the three decisions you are making all the time. For the most part, you make these decisions without thinking about them. The challenge from now on is to start consciously thinking about these decisions more and more.

Decision #1 – What You Focus On.

All day long you shift focus from one thing to another. Sometimes you focus on something by consciously thinking about it. There are other times when your focus is determined unconsciously. It is automatic. Imagine driving down the road, and a deer runs in front of the car. At that split second do you think you spend time deliberating whether you should brake, swerve right, swerve left, or just keep going straight? Of course not. There is not enough time. Our unconscious decisions are based on our training, discipline, and habits.

Decision #2 – The Meaning You Assign to What You Are Focusing On.

Your husband is late coming home from work, and you haven’t heard from him. What does that mean? Did he have errands to run? Are there traffic issues? Do you suspect he’s with another woman? Or, did work just have him stay a little later than usual? The meaning you assign to his being late will greatly determine how you treat him when he gets home.

The meaning we assign is critical to our behavior. When something triggers us, we usually assign negative meaning. What happens in road rage? We need to get somewhere by a specific time. We get behind a slow driver. We assign negative attributes to the driver because he’s driving slowly. A husband comes home from work to find his wife frantically working in the kitchen. The husband asks if she picked up the dry cleaning. She slams down the cup she’s holding and yells that she didn’t have time and she’ll get it tomorrow. The meaning the husband assigns to her reaction could start a big fight, or give her comfort and love.

Decision #3 – The Action You Take.

You are reading this lesson, watching the video, or listening to the MP3. This is what you are focusing on. You are assigning meaning to what you learned. Perhaps you think this is useful and will put into action what you are learning. Or, you may think this is good, but not applicable to your marriage. The action you take will depend on the meaning you assign.

Happily married couples focus, assign meaning, and act in ways that help the marriage.
In the example about meaning with the husband getting yelled at regarding the dry cleaning, his action can help or hurt his marriage. His focus is on her and that she just yelled at him. If he assigned a meaning that he needed the dry cleaning and she was inconsiderate for not picking it up, he might yell back about how important it was. A nasty argument is sure to continue. However, if the meaning he assigned to her yelling was an awareness that she is stressed, and feeling overwhelmed, he could comfort her and ask what he can do to help.

Are your actions helping or hurting your marriage? Think FOCUS – MEANING – ACTION. 

Happily Married Couples Take Individual Responsibility

Each person is 100% responsible for the quality of the relationship. I hear too many couples blaming their spouse. “He’s such a pig, he won’t pick up after himself,” the wife says. “All she does is nag, nag, nag,” the husband says. 

When each partner takes 100% responsibility, the focus is on their efforts to do the right thing. If you agreed to do something, do it. Treat your partner how you would like to be treated. In the above example, the husband is probably messy and not picking up after himself. By taking responsibility, he picks up his mess, on time. The wife is having little luck getting him to pick things up and has resorted to repeating the same demand over, and over again. By taking responsibility for her actions, she sees he is not responding to the nagging, which doesn’t work with men, so she finds alternative ways to approach him on the subject, reinforcing his good behavior anytime he does pick things up.

This issue often comes up when one partner cheats. In this example, let’s say the husband is cheating on the wife. A common question is this: Is the wife responsible for his cheating? The answer is no, she is not responsible for his cheating. He is 100% responsible for his actions, good and bad. The wife, however, is 100% responsible for her actions in the marriage. What happened in the marriage that made him so unhappy where he took the wrong action to cheat on the wife? Both partners are 100% responsible to the marriage. If one partner makes life hell for the other partner, yes, they do have to take responsibility for the quality of the marriage, but not for the actions of the other partner.
You are 100% responsible for your actions. Think through your actions.

The Pareto Principle, the 80/20 rule

Unhappily married couples tend to focus the majority of their time on their marriage problems. Their focus is on the mechanics, or things they can do to solve the problems.
Happily married couples spend the majority of their time on proper thoughts or mindsets. A happy marriage is 80% mindset and 20% mechanics. If you don’t have the right mindset, you’re probably going to take the wrong actions.

80/20 Solutions/Problems.

Another aspect of the Pareto Principle in regards to marriage is that happily married couples spend the majority of time focusing on solutions instead of problems. An easy way to get depressed is to think about your problems all day long. Recognize the problem, fully understand it, and then work to resolve it.

Here is an easy 5-step plan to have a happy marriage.

When a couple is stuck thinking about their problems, they don’t have a clear path to what they want. You do these five steps, and you are on the way to having a happy marriage.