Break Free From Porn – Part 2 - Happy Marriage Coaching

Break Free From Porn – Part 2

Porn is an insidious invasion of marriage. As indicated in part 1 of this 2-part series, porn rewires the brain to behaviors that devalue the marriage partner. For the porn user, watching porn affects the brain very similar to those addicted to drugs. The good news is that the brain can be rewired for intimacy, and the marriage can become better than ever.

Anger and mistrust are common words often used by wives when they discover their husband watches porn. Porn is a form of emotional betrayal.

Break free from Porn - Part 2

Husbands who watch porn often do not understand the significant impact their porn watching has on the marriage. To them, they can still feel deep love for the wife. The rewiring of their brain plays games with them. They do not understand that their words do not match their behaviors.

Men compartmentalize. Imagine it as everything goes into their own mental boxes. His porn watching goes into the porn box. His work is in a box. His marriage is in a box. His finances are in a box. Many men do not see the relationship between the actions of one box on the other boxes. When men watch porn, they often do not see the impact it has on the wife, and are often confused when the wife is angry at him because of his porn watching.

The Impact of Porn on the Wife

Almost 70% of wives facing such emotional betrayal display the characteristics of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These characteristics include:

  • Hypervigilance – looking for and seeing his sexual triggers everywhere. Nightmares.
  • Obsessive thinking.
  • Fear.
  • Worry.
  • Depression.
  • Trouble sleeping.
  • Replaying the initial discovery.

Wives who discover their husbands watching porn often develop feelings of inadequacy, wondering why she is not enough for him. Such feelings decrease her value of self-worth. Over time, the wife sees thoughts of “Maybe I’m not good enough,” turn into thoughts of “I am not good enough.”

It is common for the wife to look inward and have felt that she somehow caused him to start watching porn. Self-doubt creeps in.

She feels suspicious. He’s hiding something. I hear from many wives who have caught their husbands red-handed watching porn, and he denies it. He tries to make it a secret, withholding access to the PC, phone, or tablet.

Once a wife discovers her husband watches porn, the marriage often takes a deep dive. The quality of the marriage decreases significantly. The wife starts to realize his pornography watching more than likely caused his changes in behavior. Internalized feelings of hurt and anger are now external and directed at the husband.

The marriage becomes chaotic.

The most damaging impact of porn on the wife is an increased feeling of insecurity. Women tend to have a strong need for security. It is often their number one human need. They thrive on consistency and certainty. When a lack of certainty enters her life, the wife tends to doubt herself, her value, and her life. When she catches her husband watching porn, it validates all of her doubt about herself. Men simply do not understand how much of a blow his porn watching has on her need for certainty.

Break Free From Porn

After reading part 1 of this series, and the beginning of this article, one can easily get a sense that breaking free from porn may be impossible. I will not sugar-coat the task. It is a difficult road to travel. It is, however, a road many have already traveled, and reached a successful end where the marriage is once again strong and resilient, free from porn. Intimacy can be stronger than ever.

“The major mistake many make when trying to break free from porn, is to put the entire task on the shoulders of the husband. Yes, the husband has the problem with porn. It has to stop. The marriage, however, is damaged, and must also be repaired at the same time.”  – Mark Jala

Breaking free from porn requires a dual-track approach.

A marriage cannot break free from porn by just focusing on the husband’s addiction. Both the porn and marriage need repair at the same time.

Happy couple

When I help couples repair their marriage from major financial issues, we have to take the same approach. The money side of the problem is pretty easy to fix. It’s just simple math. A good budget and some changes in spending and income behavior can fix most financial issues. However, money problems go deeper than just simple math. Money is used as a form of control. We learn about money at an early age, and often have to learn new concepts. Because of the financial hardships, and how much fighting took place between the partners, the marriage needs repair.

The same is true with a porn addiction.

Marriages develop many problems when the husband watches porn. While he is recovering from his porn addiction, the marriage issues have to be addressed simultaneously.

If the marriage issues are not addressed, there will always be doubt, suspicions, anger, and defensiveness. The marriage will likely not last.

A Dual-Track Approach

When freeing your marriage from porn, there are some fundamental truths.

  • Your husband is 100% responsible for his porn habit.
  • Your husband is 100% responsible for the secrecy and lies.
  • The cause of his porn behavior is a result of weaknesses in the marriage foundation, involving BOTH partners. A perfectly happy marriage, with proper boundaries, does not include porn.
  • It takes BOTH partners, husband and wife, to break the husband free from porn, AND to restore the marriage.
  • The husband is 100% responsible for taking control of his actions and changing his behavior. The wife cannot make him change.
  • The wife is 100% responsible for communicating, in a way the husband recognizes, acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, creating new boundaries.
  • The wife is 100% responsible for seeking help for herself to overcome negative and debilitating emotions.

At Happy Marriage Coaching, I developed a 90-day dual-track program to help husbands overcome porn, restore marriages, and help wives overcome the limiting emotions.

It is called the Break Free from Porn Coaching Program.

Learn More About the
Break Free From Porn Coaching Program.
Click Here.

Or, if you are ready to apply now:

Break Free from Porn
and Reignite the Love in Your Marriage!

The Break Free from Porn Coaching Program is by application only.

Both husband and wife need to complete the application form individually.

Spread the Word!
Mark Jala
 

Mark Jala is a certified marriage coach, researcher, and consumer advocate. Mark bases all of his strategies and programs on verifiable research from top marriage experts. Certified in strategic interventions, Mark's holistic approach to marriage coaching gets to the root of problems, assuring long-term success.

>